Twenty Five

Today, 23rd November, is Isaac's birthday. He would have been twenty five today had he lived. His birthday last year, the first since his death, was very difficult. I'm not sure if we thought it would get easier with time but maybe we hoped the second would be less rough than the first. First anniversaries are terrible, the loss hitting in new ways each time a date is reached. This second birthday since he died doesn't really feel any better, it hurts just as much, and the build up to it since November began three weeks ago and especially over the last week, have been just as hard. I broke a filling last week, caused by me clenching my teeth and jaw in my sleep. I wake up knowing I've been doing it. I've found myself doing it while driving and while typing. His birthday is massively overshadowed by his death, exactly a week later. They are tied together- and then it's straight into December, the anniversary of his funeral and Christmas. 

People who have gone leave themselves in those left behind in all sorts of ways. On Tuesday night I popped to the supermarket for some bread. I wandered down the crisps aisle and as I passed the tubes of Pringles could almost hear him next to me asking me to buy some for him. I picked up a tube of Sour Cream and Chives and headed to the drinks section and to get a blackcurrant Fruit Shoot for him too. For a moment it felt very futile, buying snacks and a birthday card for someone who has died, and I paused to wonder if I was being a bit stupid or sentimental, but I put them through the scanner and paid for them anyway. Walking round Sainsburys while fighting back tears isn't a great place to be either. 

Today we'll go to the cemetery to see him, wish him a happy birthday, and leave some offerings for him. I'm not sure what else we can do. Some day in the future his birthday may feel like a celebration for us I hope but two years on from the last one we celebrated with him, it still feels like a loss. 

This track by Laraaji is track number 25 on an ambient compilation put together by Coldcut and Mixmaster Morris called @0, released in November 2021 (the month of Isaac's 23rd birthday and the month he died- which I hadn't realised until I looked up the album's release date for this post so there's something providential or just coincidental about that). Illusion Of Time is a lovely, calming six minutes of ambient music courtesy of Laraaji, with piano and zither and probably other stringed instruments as well. Happy birthday Isaac. x

Illusion Of Time