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Saturday 5 February 2022

Love's Stubborn Ghost

It's a friend's 50th birthday today and we're off to Edale in Derbyshire for some walking in the Peaks and a few pints. A blast of early February Peak District weather on exposed hillsides should give us a jump start. 

A few thoughts on where I am with the aftermath of Isaac's death and grief. I'm trying to keep the blog largely music oriented but every now and then it helps to put things down in writing. Last week was really tough, it just seemed so gloomy all week and we were all very down. We went to a monumental masons last week to start the process of looking for a headstone. I'm not sure we've made any progress there. The whole thing seems to big to deal with at the moment- picking a stone and then text which will be literally written in stone and displayed in the cemetery for years, decades, centuries possibly, to come. The experience of going in and being shown catalogues and samples is very bizarre too, makes picking a headstone feel like buying a new sofa or a car. I don't think we have made any decisions yet, just narrowed down what we definitely don't want. These are not the things you expect to have to do as a parent and its only three months ago he was very much still alive and with us. 

On Sunday we took Eliza back to university in Liverpool, a return to normality for her but one which was causing some anxiety all round. The early part of this week we felt ok but both of us have an odd feeling growing about the house suddenly being just the two of us. Going to work has become a routine again although I feel a bit like I'm just going through the motions, semi- detached from everything else that's going on there. I just turn up to teach my lessons and then go again. Then on Thursday as I was walking to the car park a wall of grief hit me out of nowhere, triggered by one thought that fleeted across my mind out of nowhere, the feeling that life was Isaac was getting further away every day. He died on 30th November and it's February already. Time ticks on and every day is a step forward I suppose but every day is a step further away from him too. That's how it felt at that moment. 

The commute to work and back gives me time to dwell. Tuesday's are always hard. One thought on a Tuesday and in my head I'm right back in the room with him and the hours up to his death. It's all very vivid still. I can smell it and feel it. Those Nick Cave songs I was listening to last week are still reverberating round my head but I spent the first few days this week listening to Half Man Half Biscuit, Nigel Blackwell making me laugh out loud while driving. 

Music- I don't think anyone was expecting this. Dot Allison, formerly the voice of One Dove and a much revered figure round these parts, had an album out last year called Heart Shaped Scars. I haven't listened to it enough and need to get back into it. Yesterday a remix of Dot's Love Died In Our Arms was released digitally, the last remix done by the legendary Lee 'Scratch' Perry before he died in August last year, Dot's poetic indie- folk rejigged in a reggae style. Buy it at Bandcamp for a pound. 


JTFL said...

For what it's worth, we are driving, teaching, walking and remembering alongside you, Adam.

Great remix, btw.

Nick L said...

Stay strong mate, although it must feel nigh on impossible. I have no idea how you've got on with your normal stuff at all, but I'm full of admiration at how you have.
Taking kids back to university is always hard, as it's a marker of time passing and increasing independence. But that just shows the mark of good parenting and that you've done a good job.

Rickyotter said...

Tough times Adam, the passage of time is always a difficult one to deal with. Vivid memories fade a little, what was once immediate feels distant. It's another stage of the process - almost mourning the first stage of grief, because it was so close. Know that just to keep going is so incredibly difficult, but you're doing it. Keep on keeping on, it's all we can ever do. Thinking of you all

Swiss Adam said...

Thank you, all of you. You all continue to comment and leave supportive and comforting words and I'd like you to know it helps.

Batfish said...

We carry on, bruv, 'cos it's what we do. Positive vibes to you and yours.

Rol said...

I hope the walking helped blow away at least some of your anguish. Keep writing it down though, I firmly believe in the healing power of writing.

Khayem said...

I hope you continue to find some comfort, solace and celebration in the act of writing and the best wishes and good vibes to you and your family from the many people "out here" who are with you on your journey.

Thanks for sharing the Dot Allison remix, one of many links that dropped into my inbox on Bandcamp Friday though one of the most unexpected. I've listened to the album a lot recently but this is a welcome departure, and a fitting last hurrah from Lee 'Scratch' Perry. I've held off buying the track for now, as I'm going to wait for the entire Entangled Remix EP to drop. I'm equally looking forward to the reworkings from Saint Etienne & The Anchoress, amongst others.