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Saturday 1 February 2020

National Shite Day

In this bold new world we are now living in, the bright sunlit uplands of Brexit Britain, it seems appropriate that we find a new national anthem, a song with a stirring tune that we can all sing together, a song with words that celebrate our newfound independence, a song where the people, all 52% of them, can all join in, put their arms around each other and raise their voices to the heavens... Nigel Farage, David Cameron, Boris Johnson, Jacob Rees- Mogg, Anne Widdicombe, Ian Duncan Smith, Dominic Cummings, Michael Gove, Mark Francois, Dominic Raab and all the rest, this one is very much for you...

'Pulling the ice axe from my leg
I staggered on
Spindrift stinging my remaining eye
I finally managed to reach the station
Only to find the bus replacement service had broken down
After wondering to myself whether it should actually be called a train replacement service
I walked out onto the concourse and noticed the giant screen seemed to have been tampered with
Probably by a junior employee
Disgruntled commuters were being regaled with some dismal TVM
Involving a tug-of-love-custody-battle
Stockard Channing held sway

Down in the High Street somebody careered out of Boots without due care or attention
I suggest that they learn some pedestrian etiquette
I.e. sidle out of the store gingerly
Embrace the margin
Fat kids with sausage rolls
Poor sods conducting polls
There's a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in Millets

I try to put everything into perspective
Set it against the scale of human suffering
And I thought of the Mugabe government
And the children of the Calcutta railways
This works for a while
But then I encounter Primark FM
Overhead a rainbow appears
In black and white

Shite Day
I guess this must be National Shite Day
This surely must be National Shite Day
Don't tell me, it's National Shite Day
Float... float on
Float... float on
Barry... Herpes
I got a letter from Stringy Bob
Still on suicide watch
Screws not happy
Spotted a Marsh Fritillary during association
Was roundly ignored
''What news you?''
I felt sorry for him
He'd only been locked up for public nuisance offences
One of which saw him beachcombing the Dee Estuary
Found a dead wading bird
Took it home, parcelled it up, and sent it off to the rubber-faced irritant Phil Cool
With a note inside which read: "Is this your Sanderling?"

Another time saw him answering an advert in the music press
"Keyboard player required: Doors, Floyd, etc.
Must be committed, no time wasters"
You can guess the rest

I always imagined he would simply wander off some day into the hills
To be found months later
His carcass stripped by homeless dogs
His exposed skull a perch for the quartering crow
I folded away the letter and put it in my inside pocket
All of a sudden I felt brushed by the wings of something dark
May the Lord have mercy on Stringy Bob
Shite Day
I do believe it's National Shite Day
It all points to National Shite Day
Someone's declared it National Shite Day
Shite Day
My birthday! On National Shite Day
No bogroll, it's National Shite Day
Cue drumroll, it's National Shite Day'

National Shite Day

Still, blue passports eh?


FurryBootsCityBoy said...

A fitting song for today. Thanks for that.

C said...

Brilliant, SA, thanks.

Jake Sniper said...

What else could it have been,great choice.

Rol said...

Thank you. I needed cheering up, and this never fails to do the trick.

You can guess the rest.

Anonymous said...

Poet Laureate in a parallel universe.

Swiss Adam said...

I think we should organise some sort of mass singalong each February 1st.